Originally written for my English composition class in college, February 15, 1996.
I’m not sure exactly how and when I first developed my fear of girls, but it has plagued me most of my life. I am only gradually becoming less apprehensive about talking to girls. As I have gotten older my attitude about girls has changed, as has my behavior around and towards them. Throughout my life there have been many influences affecting how I relate to girls.
I don’t remember ever really thinking that girls were ‘icky.’ However, except for a select few, most girls were not worth paying attention to and probably had cooties. In first grade the one girl who was worth paying attention to was Macy. Of course, I never talked to Macy. To have actually talked to her would have caused me to stutter, sweat, break out in hives, and maybe even collapse from heart failure. Although she doesn’t know it, Macy received the honor of having a stuffed tooth pillow named after her.
I was never in the same school for very long, but the longest was from third grade to sixth grade. During that time I remember liking Shonda, and I think she liked me too. But since I liked her, that meant I couldn’t talk to her. Since I was nervous about talking to girls, I generally tried to refrain from giving any evidence that I liked someone. For this reason, singing “Farmer in the Dell” in music class was a mixed blessing. It was fun to sing, but it was also very nerve wracking. I didn’t want to pick a girl I didn’t like because she might think I liked her; but if I picked someone I did like she might (heaven forbid!) find out that I liked her. I remember a Valentine’s Day one year, when we had to pass out valentines to all our classmates. I tried to find ones which only said “Happy Valentine’s Day” and nothing else. The one I gave Shonda was a Ziggy card that read, “If you’d be my Valentine, I’d be on top of the world!” But I had to make sure that she didn’t think I liked her too much, so I added a “Psych!” to the card. (Actually I put “Sike!” because I didn’t know how to spell.) In elementary school there wasn’t much meaning to having a girlfriend; instead one “liked” somebody, which basically just meant that the two people sat together sometimes. I would have enjoyed sitting next to Shonda, but since I didn’t have the nerve to talk to her it kind of ruled out sitting next to her. One day during lunch, Shonda asked me to come out in the hall so she could tell me something. “Stephen,” she said, “I like you, but I like Lapaka, too. This year I’m going to like him, but next year I’ll like you, okay?” Okay. Should I be crushed that she’s not going to like me this year, or should I be happy that next year I’ll have someone to like? Unfortunately, the school closed after that year, so I had to postpone my first significant relationship with a girl.
I don’t know what it was that made me uncomfortable talking to girls, but I generally tried to avoid it whenever possible. There was a time at a school skating party that a girl asked me if I would skate with her friend. Naturally, I refused; if I skated with her, I might be expected to talk to her, which was definitely out of the question. Generally, the only girls who were easy for me to talk to were the girls who I made fun of. But I guess making fun of someone doesn’t exactly constitute talking to them. There were some girls to whom my friends and I were downright mean. I regret that very much, and I wish that I could take back all the mean things I said and did. However, I was once accused of liking Sarah because I teased her a lot. I wasn’t mean to her, but she was just easy to tease and she took it well. Sarah was very nice, and I could talk to her without facing the symptoms that I would face if I thought about talking to someone whom I really liked.
By high school I had grown out of making fun of girls, but I was still too shy to initiate a conversation. So I didn’t talk to girls unless they initiated a conversation with me–which wasn’t all that often. I was starting to think about the possibility of dating sometime in the future, because I knew that there would be events in high school that were designed for bringing a date. I tried not to think about it too much though, because I didn’t know who I could ask, how to ask, or what to do on a date. I’m not sure if and when I ever would have had my first date if it had not been for the influence of some friends during my junior year.
I was in the school play, and one of the other girls in the play, J.J., asked me if I liked anyone in our class. People have an annoying habit of doing this. I never really knew how to answer that question, because I always liked half the girls in the class. I named Jaime, because she was the only girl I ever talked to since she went to my church and I knew her pretty well. I found out that I should have named J.J.’s friend Heather, because Heather liked me. J.J. asked me if I would consider taking Heather out on a date. I said I would consider it; I wanted to go on a date sometime, and here was an opportunity to ask someone out without being afraid of being turned down. Maybe by the time I got my driver’s license I would have enough courage to ask Heather on a date. I put it in the back of my mind since I wasn’t prepared to ask Heather for a date anytime soon. Then, a month or two after J.J. told me that Heather liked me, Heather called me and invited me to go out to dinner with her and her parents for her birthday. I was already going out to eat with my aunt and uncle, so I said I couldn’t. I was then told by my brother, aunt, uncle, and cousin that I should have accepted. I was shocked that Heather had called me, and I realized that I really should ask her on a date. So the next day I called her and invited her to go to a New Year’s Eve chili supper at my church. I didn’t have my license yet, so my dad drove me over to her house to pick her up. I was very kind and opened the door for her to get in the car. Then I climbed in the front seat with my dad and sat in silence while we drove to church and my dad asked Heather questions. We ate chili, watched a film, and drove Heather back home by 9:00pm–me in the front seat with my dad and Heather by herself in the huge back seat of our ’77 Oldsmobile. Apparently Heather didn’t mind our awkward first date too much. The next time I talked to her–three months later–she was happy to talk to me. The reason I talked to her again was because the Junior-Senior Banquet was coming up. I wanted to go, but I didn’t want to go by myself. Several people kept telling me I should take Heather to the banquet, so I decided to start writing her some notes and talking to her so that I could feel comfortable asking her to the banquet. We went to the banquet together (this time I drove and we both sat in the front seat) and we kept dating for the next year. My junior year was a big year for me; I had my first date and my first girlfriend.
By the time we graduated, Heather and I were getting tired of dating each other, so we broke up on the first day of our senior trip in Florida. Somehow I still had fun that week in Florida. For the next year I was back to the old me–no girlfriend, no dates. Before I had my first date I wasn’t very concerned about dating. But after having had a girlfriend it is hard to go back to not dating. After high school I entered IPFW, which is not the easiest place for me to find a date. Due to the influences of my schooling, parents, and church, I have developed strict standards about the kind of girl whom I would like to date. I want to spend time with someone who has the same beliefs and standards that I have. Also, being an engineering student is not the best way to meet girls at IPFW.
After a year without a date I was getting tired of not dating. I went to work for a summer at a Christian camp in New York where I figured there would be a lot of Christian girls. By this point in my life I was a little more sure of myself and made an effort to meet as many people as I could, particularly girls. Several days after I got there I met Jaclyn. From that day on I was with Jaclyn practically all the time. Perhaps the saddest day of my life so far was the day that Jaclyn left New York to go back home to Nevada.
From dating Heather and Jaclyn I have learned that emotions are very powerful, and can also be confusing. My feelings for Heather changed and we broke up; my feelings for Jaclyn have not changed, but we are forced to be apart. My experiences with Heather and Jaclyn also provide support for my belief that love is a choice, not an emotion. Even if I have strong feelings for someone, I can suppress those feelings and choose not to love her. Conversely, when I marry I can choose to continue to love my wife even if the initial emotion fades.
I have had some successes and some failures in my relationships with girls. I have learned things about myself; I have changed and developed preferences and standards for future relationships with girls. Being exposed to dating has helped me overcome some of my shyness, and has helped me become a more well rounded person. Hopefully I am well on the road to viewing girls as being people to include in my life, rather than being scary people to be avoided.
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